Dear Editor,
I don’t think anybody has clearly defined the political “right” versus “left” in the United States. So I’ll give it a try.
The “right” hates Elizabeth Warren because she stands up for the middle class. Apparently, if you’re on the “right” you support the one percent and if you’re a lefty you support the 99 percent. So the political “right” is very far to the right, while the political “left” is everybody else that makes up the vast majority.
If you’re on the right, you devoutly believe in the gospel according to Fox News; that Obama is a Muslim terrorist in disguise, that he hates the US, that Democrats worship Satan, and that the favorite drink of all Democrats is the fresh blood of bible reading children of the “right.” If you’re on the left, you believe in the bible according to Jesus, about loving thy neighbor, feeding the poor, turning the other cheek and things like that. If you’re on the right, anybody who believes in that stuff is “an unmanly pussy.”
If you’re on the left, you believe that going to war requires a vote of congress, like it says in the Constitution; if you’re on the right, the only requirement for a president who sends troops off to an illegal, but profitable, war only requires that he be a republican.
If you’re on the right, you believe that corporations are people too good to be drafted into the army; on the left you’re mystified how the Koch Brothers wing of the supreme court could decide that corporations are people with constitutional rights since the word “corporation” is not in the constitution; and one also has to believe that a person needs to breath in order to be a person.
If you’re on the right, you want government to keep its hands off of your Medicare; if you’re on the left, you know that Medicare is a government program.
If you’re on the right, you think all government is bad and anybody who uses government programs like welfare ought to have their lazy ass hanged at the gallows, even as you collect your unemployment insurance. People on the left know that unemployment insurance is a government program.
If you’re on the right, you believe that Obama wasn’t born in the United States and that alone makes him legally ineligible to be president of the United States; if you’re on the left you’ve gone on-line and discovered in less than two minutes from a law library that according to US law, it doesn’t matter where a person was born, that so long as one parent is an American citizen, he or she is a “natural born citizen” and therefore eligible to be president.
If you’re on the left, you laugh when you realize that based upon US law, Obama’s mother could have hooked up with a walrus in Antarctica and their offspring would’ve been a “natural born citizen” and eligible to be president. When presented with this unlikely scenario, people on the right express a deep suspicion that Obama must be hiding his tusks somehow, and that he is secretly a terrorist sympathizing Muslim half-walrus who worships salmon and therefore he is not eligible to be president.
Okay, so I got it. People on the left are more likely to be about twenty IQ points higher than people on the right; the lefties also read a lot and the righties aren’t sure what a book is.
Warmest Regards,
Joseph Hatter
